The purpose of this post is to help people. It is not to influence them to try committing suicide. This is for me to tell my story and help anyone who is feeling suicidal. First off let me tell you, you are loved even if you don’t think you are. Your loved ones need you even if you don’t think you are needed. I may not know you but I love you and I want you here. You have a purpose here you just have to find that purpose. If you feel suicidal please talk to somebody. The police, a counselor or the suicide hot line. If you go to church I am sure someone would be willing to help you in any way you need help.
Now days we hear a lot about people attempting and committing suicide. Sometimes I wonder how do people get to that point that they would take their own lives, but than again I even tried and was almost successful at that. This is my story
I don't remember the exact date but it was in September and a Sunday of 2015.I was home a lone ( my mom was at work and all my siblings were married)and had to go to work in a few hours. I wasn't doing very well at all. I had just decided to end my friendship with the guy I was madly in love with and he and no interest in me at all. I just really wanted him to like me and he never was going to, also my dad had left when I was 15 years old and didn't want anything to with me or my siblings. I just thought if I should just end my life and everything would be better. I was talking to one of my sisters and she was trying to calm me down and it was working some. I had decided to get ready for work and relax and put some music on. Then I got a call from another sister who was very upset with me and said " if your going to do than do it". That pushed me over the edge so I got up went to where my meds were and took about 25 pills of Lithium. The second I took them I regretted do it. I was like what did I just do. As my sister who said those words called back I said I did what you wanted me to I took the pills. she hung up and started calling people to come get me. My other sister had a feeling to call my uncle( he's like a dad to me!) and he had his phone with him at church left church to get to me ASAP. When he first got their I was a little hesitant to go but I had decided I didn't want to died. I guess my father call the ambulance to come get me but I made it to the hospital before they left. when I arrived I felt funny it hard to explain. I was then taken to critical care and put on a gown and a heart monitor. Then a police office had to come talk to me. I only remember one question he asked. Do you need to go to canyon view? ( canyon view is a mental health homspital) I answered pretty quickly with, No i don’t. Then we waited for a long time idk what they were waiting for. Then I threw up it was gross. I then had blessing ( I was raised LDS so sometimes I get blessings). I had my uncle give me the blessing and my dad assisted(usually its your dad who dose the blessing). Then the part started. The nurse came in and said they had talked to poison control and that they had said to give me Magnesium Citrate. A whole gallon of it. Well I wasn’t going to be drinking it so they had to put a NG tube in( tube in the nose). It was the worst thing ever. I had pain from it the whole time. The second it was in, I was wanting it out. In the ER they started putting the Magnesium citrate into the tube with 60 cc sringes. They had to give me so much per hour( which I can't remember what it was). Then I had to get a chest x-ray and the first time we forgot to take my bra off so we had to go and take it off and then I threw up all the Magnesium Citrate they just put into me on the CNA that was helping me. I felt so bad. so I had to get all cleaned up and got back and did my x-ray and then I had to have a EKG for my heart also. Then I was being transferred to ICU. I would spend a day and a half here while I was being closely monitored. I had to have blood draws every so often. They have such a had time drawing my blood they had to draw from my wrist. They looked so terrible from the blood draws they hurt really bad. As I arrived to the ICU my dad had to leave and go home to his other family. My uncle stayed with me and then my aunt arrived. My aunt and uncle stayed with me tell my mom got off work. She cane and visited for a little bit but she had work and was ready for bed. She had brought me a few things I needed and visited. I really wanted my aunt to stay the night with me because she is a CNA and is very helpful with that kinda of stuff, but she wasn’t allowed to because it’s the ICU. So as I was scared by myself thank goodness for phones and having a movie on my phone. During the night I couldn’t sleep well I probably watched the Age of Adilne 5 time. It was the only thing of comfort for me. At like 6 am another offer came and talked to me. I was in a lot of discomfort because of the NG tube. I had a hard time answering him. But I reassured him I was going to be fine and I would NEVER do this again. My uncle came in early to sit with me and even tho I was falling asleep he sat their for a while. He then went to the lobby and told me if I need anything to call him and he would be there in a minute.I had to wait tell my doctor came in to check on me so I was moved to a chair and watched tv. I then I started getting migraines. It was probably because I had a tube shoved down my nose and throat. So I was give ibuprofen and a fan to help. I fell right to sleep I probably slept better than I had that night. As I was sleeping I heard some noise out of my room, to tied to care I feel asleep. About 30 minuets later I called my mom asking where she was. It had been my mom talking outside my room but left because I was actually sleeping. She has said I was just their but I’ll come on over. As she walked in I saw my sister and brother in law from California walking in with her I was surprised. They had driven all night to come see me and be supportive. They stayed and chatted for a little bit but as usual I was falling asleep.a few hours later my coworker who I’m also related to asked if she food come vist me. She came and talked for a while. Then finally my doctor came in and said my levels looked good but now my potassium level was low so I needed some special IV bags with potassium in them. And the best news of all was my NG tube could come out!!! I was so happy to have that out. Then I was told I could eat something!!! I felt like I was starving. So I got French toast, bacon and fruit.... well my stomach wasn’t ready for that I threw it all up. So then I asked for jello. Then my grandparents came to visit for a little bit. I then ate some mashed potatoes and gravy. It was probably the best thing I had eaten in a few days. Finally it was the end of the day and my doctor was releasing me. I was kinda scared because I had to go back to reality. I was nervous because what if I tried again? What if I got low again? How do I get back to normal? I had all those questions. Well when I got home I had to go to counseling for a while. My medication was taken away and I only had one week of meds to myself at a time. I went back to work pretty fast. I went to college for a semester. My cat became a comfort animal she always by my side. She just knows when something is wrong with me and helps me so i don’t get worse. She’s amazing. Most of my family was was supportive and helped me through this difficult time in my life. My sister came all the way from California and stayed with me for a few weeks and tried to have me be social and go out and do things. It took a while to get back to my normal.
Life Now
It has been almost 3 years since my over dose. Many things have changed. I have been taking my medication regularly and have had med changes . I graduated from collage, that was hard. School became hard for me. I'm working full time and doing good at not missing unless I have too. I try and be more social but it doesn't happen much because of my work schedule. I have been doing well with my bipolar. I do have some bad days but I'm doing really well with it. I have been having bad migraines sometime and its terrible for me. I do need to work on my weight, so I joined a gym. I am excited to start going and start to lose the pounds. I have been talking to a boy and I hope good things happen!!! I am trying to be careful in everything I do. I want to be safe in everything i do. Right now in my life I'm pretty happy and that's all that matters.
Thanks for reading!!
- Candice L Helms
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